I guess i never really fit in before...but that was only part of the reason...the majority is that i just felt...empty...like there was something i was missing...i hated going to school every day thinking that everyone was staring at me and laughing on the inside...i felt as if no one cared....i hated myself...i hated the fact that i was a pervert...i hated the fact that i couldn't stop staring at the pictures on my computer screen...i was addicted and i couldn't control myself and it was just killing me inside and all the fault was my own...
so one night a 'friend' of mine came over...he told me that there was this thing called 'tin'...it was tobacco and fiber glass...the glass would cut your mouth open and the tobacco would go in your blood...'it just gives you a little buzz, it's not even addictive' that's what he told me...and that was a lie...after that night...i was lost....i was trapped...there was no way i could fight anything now...although the tin made me feel better for a while...i couldn't...stop...anything anymore...
i told myself that i wouldn't ever by my own stuff...that it was just one time....but i was wrong...so i walked up to the gas station...bought 'green grizzly'...it was horrible taste...but the buzz...that felt so good...i felt like i wanted to puke every time...time after time again i hid in my crawlspace and it was there...where i sold my soul for something so useless as tobacco and fiberglass...listening to slow music...i thought this would make me feel soo much better...but it didn't...i just hated myself even more...i thought so much about cutting my wrists...'mabey that would make me feel better' that's what i thought. i never got there...but i do remember bringing scissors up to my room...just in case...
last sunday we learned about samson...he learned when it was almost too late...that's about how i was... i tried to come back...i tried to be one of the 3 people in my school who lifted their hands during chaple...but that didn't work...'God is just to far' is what i thought...i couldn't do anything...
but then...the hope...Battlecry....
the week before when i was seeking and nothing was happening actually helped...i was so open and sensitive at that point...i remember almost crying after the first 5 minuets...it wasn't until the end of the first day...when then words "i want the cross" stumbled out of my mouth...that was when i was done looking like i loved God...that was the first time in a long time that i actually meant it...
so i went up to that alter...and i started conversation with..."there is a God who loves me, who wraps me in His arms"...and He said.."I love you son"...i never cried so much in my life...
He said..."I love you no matter what, I know you don't like yourself, I know you don't want life anymore, I know your heart and I hear your cry...I love you son and I want you to come home"...i prayed for freedom..i prayed for hope...i prayed for life...i prayed for justification...and i got all of those...
the next couple weeks was hard...i put on the paper of things that we wanted to throw away that i wanted to get rid of drugs...my drug...
and of course God listened...He helped me with everything...He helped me...let go...i let go of my adictions, my drug, my habit of looking at pornography, my lust...now i'm far from those things...
and now...i am a true man..i have a testimony...
Now He has brought me someone that cares about me...someone...that i've never lusted after...someone that i can talk to ...some one that i can care about...that someone i feel is something that God has given to me...something that He is trusting me with...
and God you have given me so much more than i asked for...i just wanted to die...i never intended you to show me mercy, i never asked for you to love me...just forgive me and let me die, i never asked for Darla, God...you just gave...because you love...and i've told you, over and over, 'God i'm in this for good, i'm not backing down...no matter what....i'll love you no matter what...because you've loved me...you brought me to me knees...you broke me, Lord...you changed me to be more like you...that's something they can't take away from me...it's that testimony'
God thank you...thank you for everything...thank you for changing me to be 'the perfect guy'...God there is no one too far from your saving grace...your blood covers everything...now the only thing i ask for is the strength to share my testimony...right now...this live journal is just the beginning i promise God....
i've never loved life so much un till now...
God is love...
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